ForJustiveness

Forgiveness vs. Justice

I'll take C.) None of the Above.

Seriously, I wish there was a happy medium. They both sound so.... so.... final. I'm not really into finality.

The only way that I can approach this subject is to apply the notion of each to individual situations. For instance, we had two in the news recently. One where forgiveness would have been perfectly appropriate, but instead "justice" (to some) was carried out... And the other where justice -- had he not taken the cowardly approach and offed himself -- most certainly would have been called for.

Forgiveness has always been a problem for me. "Power" is something I've strived for in almost all of my relationships; the two don't exactly co-exist.

Probably the most high-profile example of this in my life is my dealing with my son's father. And I use that term very loosely. Sperm donor is probably more accurate. He's never done anything for us. Ever. Back when Ryan was a baby and I was still living in my "this will all work out and we'll be a happy family" bubble, I forgave way too much. I've never received a dime of child support. My son is 19. The father was/is a not good person. Abusive. Neglectful. Bad. Ryan missed out on having a father, and I struggled for years when I shouldn't have had to. Can I/should I forgive him for all the things he did/didn't to and for me?

People always say that not forgiving someone is more damaging for [you] than for the person needing the forgiveness. And ultimately, that probably is true. However, because I've always considered the act of forgiveness with handing over power, it's extremely hard for me. Does Ryan's father care if I "forgive" him? Nope. After all these years does it make me crazy? Nope. Hardly even think about it. But if someone asked me if I had forgiven him, the answer would be no.

Also, I don't feel like I need to actively impart any sort of "justice" on him. I believe that missing out on having a relationship with a son as wonderful and amazing as mine (not "ours"; "mine") is justice enough. This also holds true for my grandmother who refuses to acknowledge my son's existence because he is half-black. Their loss, and thus justice is served.

The "finality" part. Once you have forgiven someone, you're done. In theory. But are you? How do you ensure that the feelings of anger, disappointment, etc. don't come bubbling back up? It's such a struggle to maintain aforementioned forgiveness, because as humans, it's so hard to forget. Yes, I recognize that one of the things we hear is "I forgive, but I'll never forget." Is that forgiveness?

Someone else talked about how it's easy for her to forgive. If I was being honest, I would probably say that I find it easy as well (contrary to how this post has gone up to now). But my forgiveness is selective. In my past it's been used most often as it relates to men. Waaaaaaay too forgiving (think: doormat) and it's unfortunate that that has molded much of my outlook on forgiveness as a whole.

Of course, as far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm also quick to forgive. Would they agree with that? I'm not sure. It might seem that I choose both: first a l'il bit of justice, then the forgiveness. Can I do that? Is that greedy?

I suppose that as long as I have "forgiveness" inextricably linked with "giving up power" I will have a tough time.

Because on my list of things I can't give up? Power over myself (and others if they will let me) is way up top.

But. Do I want to be forgiven? Of course. I provide plenty of opportunities for others to make this choice. Plenty. But I also realize that I need to take accountability for my actions. Maybe sometimes justice is required.

So perhaps instead I will say C.) All of the Above.

Julie.... thanks so much for the idea for this discussion. It's been a great opportunity to use my otherwise mushy brain, both writing mine and reading others.