Reunion Anxiety

As we are getting closer and closer to the end of the school year, I'm stressing more and more about how Ryan and I are going to get along when he comes back home for the summer.

How ironic that last summer I was having panic attacks wondering how I was going to live without him and now I'm trying to talk myself off the ledge over living with him.

I adore my son. Absolutely, positively adore.

However, there's no denying that there has been a major shift in our relationship this past year. And while I recognize that this is perfectly normal, and is an important step in the process of him growing up and building his life on his own, it's still hard to grasp. And accept.

Such a strange thing, this whole notion of letting go. And this letting go is different from the letting go that I was doing last fall. When he actually left for school, it was more of the physical separation that was upsetting to me (though not for nearly as long as I expected it to be!) But what I'm experiencing now is all the rest: the emotional.

He will have his license soon, and that will take away his dependence on me to take him places. I guess I'm also realizing that his dependence on me is quite minimal these days. Of course, he still needs me financially (though I do love the summer when he has a job!) and I'm sure deep down he needs me to some extent emotionally. But it's just.... different.

He's not my "little boy" anymore. He's very much in love with his new girlfriend and they do everything together. His last relationship was with someone who lived in NJ and didn't have a car, so they were quite limited in the time they were together. Now he's built a whole separate life with this young woman, and I'm getting glimpses of what it will be like when he gets married. The good news is that I really like her a lot, and I think they are really good together. She's very low maintenance, and they give each other the space they each need. But when they are together, they have a lot of fun; I enjoy being around them.

Though there's definitely a shift. Ryan and I have always had a good time together; we make each other laugh, and for the most part really get along great. But I can see that things are different, even when we are together for just a short time.

Today we all went to the Mets game, and we had a fun time (even though they lost) but there was a theme that Ryan and I kept arguing about: he remembers so many things from his childhood, and I just don't remember everything he does. He gets so angry at me for not remembering, and (jokingly) tells me what a horrible mother I am. But really.... I just can't store all the info in my head that he has! I can't even count the number of times today he started a sentence with "Mom, do you remember....." and then he'd really get mad when I said no. Finally I just started telling him I remembered, even when I didn't, but he knew I was lying, so really it was a no-win for me.

In my defense, Ryan doesn't forget a-ny-th-ing. Also in my defense, I have 21 more years of things in my head than he does. I'm sorry I can't remember which team you played in Little League where you hit two home runs. And I'm also sorry that I had run to the car to get a blanket because it was 30 degrees when you hit your first home run. And no, I don't remember your "geeky friend Glen" who lived in those apartments over off the service road, as much as you describe him. And if we did run into him years later, I'm sure I didn't remember him then, either.

What I do remember? When you were about 5 years old and we were walking down the sidewalk and you reached up, grabbed my hand and, out of the blue, said "You're doin' good, Mom."

I wonder if he remembers that.

It's something I'll need to remind myself of often between May 8 and Labor Day weekend....