But seriously...

Earlier, on the other blog, I wrote about how Ryan made his road test appointment today. And how I was torn between being excited for him and nervous.

Seriously? The nervous thing is coming in waves... over and over and I can't shake it.

I recognize that I worry more than most people do. It's just what I do. I think it's passed down from my grandmother, because she will worry about the silliest things: She is concerned in the winter that we wear our scarves too long because "you know, someone could come along and pull it and strangle you!" And this (not from my grandmother, from someone at work): she called her daughter when she heard we were getting a storm because her daughter was heading to the dry cleaners, and she was worried that carrying the hangers home would attract the lightning and she'd be struck. Not kidding. She told her not to go.

But beyond all that, the fear that he will be in a car accident is almost paralyzing. I may or may not have (I can't remember if I decided to do it or not) written about when I found out that one of his childhood friends had been killed in a car accident the day after his 17th birthday. He fell asleep at the wheel after dropping his girlfriend off at home. His mom had a Xanga site, and after I heard about it (over two years after it happened) I went and read all she had written. Absolutely, positively heart-wrenching. Honestly, I have no idea how people survive the loss of a child.

And I don't mean to be morbid. I really don't (even though it would appear otherwise, I know). But oh. my. god. If anything ever happened to Ryan, I don't know what I would do. And now I'm handing him over to do what he wants with a car. And he's actually a very responsible driver. He's gotten very good over the last two years.

But like I always tell him: It's not him I'm worried about. It's the other crazy drivers out there. I wish I could send out an APB and tell everyone on the roads in my area to please be as careful as possible going forward; my son will be out there and nothing can happen to him. All y'all may have been reckless as hell up to now, but things need to change. It's a new ballgame now because the center of my universe is going to be amongst you.

And he's too good of a person to have something bad happen.

I'll just have to trust that the same God who gave him to me 19 years ago will continue watching over him.

Because there's nothing else I can do.

Oh, except maybe that bubble-wrap thing that Pith suggested.