This morning Ryan flew to Georgia with his girlfriend. They are at her sister's house for a week, but now I'm really wishing he hadn't gone.
He wasn't sure he wanted to go; her mother bought the tickets, and he felt like he couldn't say no. But. He's not entirely sure he wants to continue the relationship, so it's a bit awkward. I've been telling him for the past couple weeks that I'd pay her back for the ticket if it turned out he didn't want to go.... but he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so he went. I think he's going to regret it, and the only reason he did go (IMHO) is because tomorrow they are driving to Chattanooga to meet up with my aunt and uncle and spend the day with them.
Ryan and my uncle have become extremely close in the past few years; he's truly the closest thing Ryan has to a father. We're still not sure why it took so long for them to "discover" each other... my uncle (Jamie) lives in Nashville and is a very successful country music writer. He's sort of separated himself from the rest of the family, though does still participate in things like weddings, etc. But for the most part, they have their life there and the rest of our family is here on the east coast.
Anyway, a few years ago, Ryan and I went down to Atlanta for a Mets/Braves weekend of baseball, and my aunt and uncle drove down to meet us. They hit it off immediately. Jamie never had children of his own, though my aunt has a son from her first marriage. Jamie was a jock in high school and college (football) and is a total sports fanatic. You can see how this was a match made in heaven, no? Ever since that first weekend, we try to get together at least once a year, and talk on the phone often. My aunt is almost as much of a book whore as I am, so we sort of break off into teams of two; when we went to Nashville a few years ago, my aunt and I went to a book festival all day, while Ryan and Jamie drove go-carts, played golf, went to the gym and played basketball. Topped off by a night at a Nashville Predators game. I don't really get the whole hockey thing, but they are absolutely crazy about it. Whatever.
Two Christmases ago, my uncle gave Ryan a replica of his high school football jersey that had been presented to him when he returned to his school for the dedication of the football field being renamed for his old coach. It has his name on the back, and initially I had to pry it off of Ryan and demand that he showered. Last Christmas, he gave him an authentic Vince Young jersey; same issue.
So tomorrow, they will spend the day together, and I'm sure will have a wonderful time. There's no way to really describe what it's like watching them together; Ryan absolutely "blossoms" around him, and Jamie is all of a sudden 19 again: throwing a football or frisbee around, acting silly and joking around. It truly makes me so happy to see them together. I'm sorry I won't be there tomorrow.
But then, Ryan goes back to his girlfriend's sister's house until next Friday, and I'm thinking he's going to be disappointed once the visit with Jamie is over.
Though we got through the first hurdle, which was getting that kid on the plane. He is terrified of flying. He was before September 11, but ever since then, it's taken on a life of its own. This morning he was downing Tylenol PM in the hopes of sleeping from the minute he sat down on the plane till the minute he landed. I kept trying to reassure him that nothing was going to happen... but when you have that fear in your head, you don't really listen to anyone. I felt bad for him. Especially when we started talking about Chicago and it dawned on him that we'd have to fly there in June, too!
I can only hope that he and his girlfriend have a great time together, and he changes his mind when he gets back; I like her and hope she stays around for a while.
Minimally, I know he'll have a blast tomorrow :-)
Friday, March 30, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I don't get it
The "it" I'm referring to is death.
For some reason I can't wrap my brain around the concept of someone being here one minute and gone the next. I also catch myself sometimes thinking "how unfortunate that that happens to everyone else; I'm glad it won't happen to me!" I actually think that!
This concept was brought front and center today when my dad called to tell me that a woman who had been my mom's BFF waaaaay back in the day (when they both had young children and we all used to play together) was killed in a car accident over the weekend.
It was more shocking than upsetting, and I don't mean for that to sound heartless. I hadn't had any contact with her since I was in high school and she came to visit my mother. I know that they exchanged Christmas cards every year and that was pretty much the extent of their contact. She and her husband had divorced years ago, but remained close friends. Out of the blue, he emailed my mom, my sister and me to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving a couple years ago, and we went back and forth with email updates, but nothing more. Just what everyone was doing with their lives, etc.
After my dad told me, I had to call my mom and tell her. It was not fun. What I hadn't realized was that she and her friend (Ellie) had gotten back in touch after her husband emailed us and had discussed plans to get together sometime soon. They emailed sporadically and it was just something they meant to get around to doing, since it had been many many years since they'd seen each other.
One of my mom's first reactions was that she wished she'd kept in better contact with her. I could literally feel her pain through the phone, having just gone through something similar.
It's just so sad; she was a young woman, early 60s. She had three kids, and a couple grandchildren. She was on her way to meet her daughter at a spa in Palm Springs when she lost control of her car, and it went off the road. I just can't comprehend it all. She got up that morning, probably excited at the prospect of time with her daughter, packed, left, etc.... and then died.
The idea of that being her last morning alive... her last night sleeping in her bed.... the last time she spoke with the other people in her family... it just makes me realize that truly anything could happen.
It puts everything in perspective when you hear of something like this. I won't pretend like I was close enough to her to mourn her passing in the usual way; to me it's more the thought of her family and what they are dealing with now. And what a tragic loss it is that someone so young is now gone.
Makes you appreciate every day you have, no?
For some reason I can't wrap my brain around the concept of someone being here one minute and gone the next. I also catch myself sometimes thinking "how unfortunate that that happens to everyone else; I'm glad it won't happen to me!" I actually think that!
This concept was brought front and center today when my dad called to tell me that a woman who had been my mom's BFF waaaaay back in the day (when they both had young children and we all used to play together) was killed in a car accident over the weekend.
It was more shocking than upsetting, and I don't mean for that to sound heartless. I hadn't had any contact with her since I was in high school and she came to visit my mother. I know that they exchanged Christmas cards every year and that was pretty much the extent of their contact. She and her husband had divorced years ago, but remained close friends. Out of the blue, he emailed my mom, my sister and me to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving a couple years ago, and we went back and forth with email updates, but nothing more. Just what everyone was doing with their lives, etc.
After my dad told me, I had to call my mom and tell her. It was not fun. What I hadn't realized was that she and her friend (Ellie) had gotten back in touch after her husband emailed us and had discussed plans to get together sometime soon. They emailed sporadically and it was just something they meant to get around to doing, since it had been many many years since they'd seen each other.
One of my mom's first reactions was that she wished she'd kept in better contact with her. I could literally feel her pain through the phone, having just gone through something similar.
It's just so sad; she was a young woman, early 60s. She had three kids, and a couple grandchildren. She was on her way to meet her daughter at a spa in Palm Springs when she lost control of her car, and it went off the road. I just can't comprehend it all. She got up that morning, probably excited at the prospect of time with her daughter, packed, left, etc.... and then died.
The idea of that being her last morning alive... her last night sleeping in her bed.... the last time she spoke with the other people in her family... it just makes me realize that truly anything could happen.
It puts everything in perspective when you hear of something like this. I won't pretend like I was close enough to her to mourn her passing in the usual way; to me it's more the thought of her family and what they are dealing with now. And what a tragic loss it is that someone so young is now gone.
Makes you appreciate every day you have, no?
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Only in my dreams
I had a dream last night.... that I had another baby.
Because I dream so often, I'm able to look back on the day and see where some of the points come from. Last night I had dinner with a friend who was telling me about a young girl she'd met in Florida who had a small son with her. She said they reminded her of Ryan and me back when Ryan was younger.
Anyway, my dream was so real, yet so silly. The child was literally growing before my eyes... one minute crawling, the next minute walking, then having conversations with me. We were at a friend's house, and I was desperately trying to find something for his bottle, since he was crying from hunger. All I could see was chocolate milk, but I remember thinking, "Just wait a minute... he'll be old enough to eat solid food in a little while."
I'm sure some of this has to do with my thinking/discussing how fast Ryan has grown up... sometimes it feels like it was right before my eyes like this.
It's so amazing how quickly things happen. I can't believe that I'm 40 and that my son is 19! How can this be? He was just in elementary school!
Today I went for a walk in my neighborhood, and as I was walking down the street, I was reminded of a time about 13 years ago when we lived in the next town over. I didn't have a car at the time, and I had to get him to a doctor for his school checkup. I was new to the area and didn't have a pediatrician yet. The doctor I found was in the area where I now live, and I so clearly remember riding on the bus to get to her office, looking out the window and wishing so much that I could live around here. At the time, it was virtually impossible; there was no way I could afford it.
It's funny how things change... which is why I'm still so grateful --even after 7 years of living here -- when I come home to my neighborhood, that that particular dream really did come true.
Because I dream so often, I'm able to look back on the day and see where some of the points come from. Last night I had dinner with a friend who was telling me about a young girl she'd met in Florida who had a small son with her. She said they reminded her of Ryan and me back when Ryan was younger.
Anyway, my dream was so real, yet so silly. The child was literally growing before my eyes... one minute crawling, the next minute walking, then having conversations with me. We were at a friend's house, and I was desperately trying to find something for his bottle, since he was crying from hunger. All I could see was chocolate milk, but I remember thinking, "Just wait a minute... he'll be old enough to eat solid food in a little while."
I'm sure some of this has to do with my thinking/discussing how fast Ryan has grown up... sometimes it feels like it was right before my eyes like this.
It's so amazing how quickly things happen. I can't believe that I'm 40 and that my son is 19! How can this be? He was just in elementary school!
Today I went for a walk in my neighborhood, and as I was walking down the street, I was reminded of a time about 13 years ago when we lived in the next town over. I didn't have a car at the time, and I had to get him to a doctor for his school checkup. I was new to the area and didn't have a pediatrician yet. The doctor I found was in the area where I now live, and I so clearly remember riding on the bus to get to her office, looking out the window and wishing so much that I could live around here. At the time, it was virtually impossible; there was no way I could afford it.
It's funny how things change... which is why I'm still so grateful --even after 7 years of living here -- when I come home to my neighborhood, that that particular dream really did come true.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
As you were
I'm not sure how I feel about John Edwards' decision to continue with his presidential campaign despite the return of cancer to his wife's body.
I know, I know. It's not my call.
I feel so horrible for Elizabeth...
She seems like such an amazing person and I hate that bad things happen to people. It's a very sad situation. She's a young woman with three kids. And as if this wasn't enough, they had a son who was killed in a car accident about 10 years ago. I do so admire their strength and resilience.
There's just something about the whole thing that isn't sitting well with me (besides the obvious). I can't quite put my finger on it, because while on the one hand I can appreciate their optimistic outlook and positive attitude, on the other, bone cancer (from what I heard on the news today) is something that can be treated but not cured.
Huh.
Is my problem with thinking that he doesn't have his priorities in order? Or is it selfishness as a citizen of the US that if he does win, he would be going into the biggest job of his life with a HUGE distraction already in place? And if it is (God forbid) the type of disease that would cut her life short, wouldn't you want to be together as much as possible doing things other than, oh, I don't know, running for office or being in charge of a country?
Having never been married, I can't speak on what that dynamic is like. I'd like to think that if I was the wife of a presidential candidate, I would also encourage my husband to continue. But knowing me, I'd say it in a way that let him know that wasn't what I really wanted.
Anyone care to share their perspective on this? Or am I the only one trying to avoid my own issues by focusing on the problems of strangers?
I know, I know. It's not my call.
I feel so horrible for Elizabeth...
She seems like such an amazing person and I hate that bad things happen to people. It's a very sad situation. She's a young woman with three kids. And as if this wasn't enough, they had a son who was killed in a car accident about 10 years ago. I do so admire their strength and resilience.
There's just something about the whole thing that isn't sitting well with me (besides the obvious). I can't quite put my finger on it, because while on the one hand I can appreciate their optimistic outlook and positive attitude, on the other, bone cancer (from what I heard on the news today) is something that can be treated but not cured.
Huh.
Is my problem with thinking that he doesn't have his priorities in order? Or is it selfishness as a citizen of the US that if he does win, he would be going into the biggest job of his life with a HUGE distraction already in place? And if it is (God forbid) the type of disease that would cut her life short, wouldn't you want to be together as much as possible doing things other than, oh, I don't know, running for office or being in charge of a country?
Having never been married, I can't speak on what that dynamic is like. I'd like to think that if I was the wife of a presidential candidate, I would also encourage my husband to continue. But knowing me, I'd say it in a way that let him know that wasn't what I really wanted.
Anyone care to share their perspective on this? Or am I the only one trying to avoid my own issues by focusing on the problems of strangers?
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
When does it get easier?
You all know that I absolutely adore my son.
But.
There are times when I want to kill him. Or at least hurt him.
This semester he's been doing so much better with the studying, and I'm so proud of him. But he just doesn't seem to understand that it's a long-term thing. Not just a matter of getting through this test or that paper. It's a commitment.
The thing is, he loves loves loves to socialize. Loves. It. He's like the Julie McCoy of CW Post. And it makes me happy that he has so many friends and people like him. Cool.
When he first went to school, his girlfriend at the time was at school in another state. And it was good. Then, he broke up with her and started dating someone at school, but who didn't live on campus. Not as good. Too close, too much of a distraction.
Now? He's met someone who lives in the dorm next to his. Bad. Very, very bad.
Clearly, I should have considered an all-boys college. (Do those even exist outside of military institutions? And I think most -- if not all -- of those also have women now.)
I just wish I could figure out how to stress to him how important this is. He's been given such a gift to be able to go to this school, and has so many opportunities. I hate the idea of him blowing it because of girls.
I'm really beginning to believe what they say about 18, 19-year olds being too young to appreciate college.
And so of course, I can't help but feel like it's my fault. If I'd instilled the discipline to study and prioritize in him earlier in life.... But then I recognize that I did the best I could with him, and overall, he's a great kid.
It's just that damn studying.... !!
But.
There are times when I want to kill him. Or at least hurt him.
This semester he's been doing so much better with the studying, and I'm so proud of him. But he just doesn't seem to understand that it's a long-term thing. Not just a matter of getting through this test or that paper. It's a commitment.
The thing is, he loves loves loves to socialize. Loves. It. He's like the Julie McCoy of CW Post. And it makes me happy that he has so many friends and people like him. Cool.
When he first went to school, his girlfriend at the time was at school in another state. And it was good. Then, he broke up with her and started dating someone at school, but who didn't live on campus. Not as good. Too close, too much of a distraction.
Now? He's met someone who lives in the dorm next to his. Bad. Very, very bad.
Clearly, I should have considered an all-boys college. (Do those even exist outside of military institutions? And I think most -- if not all -- of those also have women now.)
I just wish I could figure out how to stress to him how important this is. He's been given such a gift to be able to go to this school, and has so many opportunities. I hate the idea of him blowing it because of girls.
I'm really beginning to believe what they say about 18, 19-year olds being too young to appreciate college.
And so of course, I can't help but feel like it's my fault. If I'd instilled the discipline to study and prioritize in him earlier in life.... But then I recognize that I did the best I could with him, and overall, he's a great kid.
It's just that damn studying.... !!
Saturday, March 17, 2007
I just remembered...
A story that I had wanted to tell, but didn't want to broadcast it. Namely, that I have (once again) gone back to Weight Watchers.... I feel more comfortable discussing it here because none of you will be looking at what's on my tray when I come back from the cafeteria at work to eat in my office. Or watch me heating up a Lean Cuisine in the microwave.
Anyway... my sister and I went back about two weeks ago when we were both at my mom's house for the weekend. At the meeting, the leader was telling us about a woman who is in one of her other meetings who was featured in WW magazine this month. She passed the article around, and as it turns out, the woman lost over 100 lbs. One of the women in the group said (out loud) "Wow! She'll definitely get married now!" WTF? What does that even mean?!?!? And? The WW leader agreed with her!
Ugh. It just hit me the wrong way. I hate the idea of women having to validate themselves by their marital status. Or, not even validating themselves, I suppose, but being validated by others. And also how much weight and appearance plays a part in how women are viewed in society. How about "Good for her! Now she'll probably live longer and be healthier!"
I recognize that this is not a new issue. And that in this day and age, between TV, movies, magazines, etc. the bar has been raised to a ridiculous height for what constitutes "beautiful."
So I guess the part that bothered me was to hear that comment from someone who is supposed to be "on our side." It's just the connection that always seems to be placed between weight and beauty.... why?
But since we're on the topic, I'm proud to report that I have lost 6 lbs in my first two weeks back! As you will probably remember, back in the fall when I tried this (again) I wasn't having any success. I was going to meetings at night, which I struggled with; I'd always gone in the mornings before. And maybe my head just wasn't in the right place then. But, I'm back now, and hopefully for the long haul. Because at this point in my life, it is about my health and my comfort and just feeling better about myself.
Also, a Ryan story to relate: For the past couple weeks I've been feeling frustrated with a couple things, one of them being the feeling that while I do a lot for other people (because I really, truly enjoy doing it!!), I don't always feel like it's reciprocated. Recognizing that I have no control over other people, and if I want to continue doing things for people who don't do things for me, it then becomes my issue (and FYI: I'm not referring to anyone reading this!).
So yesterday I was kind of mired in it and trying to figure out ways to go about minimizing my disappointment in others. And then the phone rang, and it was my son. He was calling to see if I wanted to go Moe's today for lunch (after WW, I usually treat myself to whatever I want for lunch as a "reward"). You should know that Ryan HATES this place; it's my favorite, and when I can convince him to go with me, he usually has gotten food from somewhere else and brings it in. I was so surprised that he was even mentioning it that I said "But you hate Moe's!" and he said "I know, but you love it.... and since I didn't get to come home this weekend I'd like to spend some time with you!"
I really almost started crying. It was such a little thing, but it meant so much to me.
And restored my faith in the idea that sooner or later, it comes back around.
Anyway... my sister and I went back about two weeks ago when we were both at my mom's house for the weekend. At the meeting, the leader was telling us about a woman who is in one of her other meetings who was featured in WW magazine this month. She passed the article around, and as it turns out, the woman lost over 100 lbs. One of the women in the group said (out loud) "Wow! She'll definitely get married now!" WTF? What does that even mean?!?!? And? The WW leader agreed with her!
Ugh. It just hit me the wrong way. I hate the idea of women having to validate themselves by their marital status. Or, not even validating themselves, I suppose, but being validated by others. And also how much weight and appearance plays a part in how women are viewed in society. How about "Good for her! Now she'll probably live longer and be healthier!"
I recognize that this is not a new issue. And that in this day and age, between TV, movies, magazines, etc. the bar has been raised to a ridiculous height for what constitutes "beautiful."
So I guess the part that bothered me was to hear that comment from someone who is supposed to be "on our side." It's just the connection that always seems to be placed between weight and beauty.... why?
But since we're on the topic, I'm proud to report that I have lost 6 lbs in my first two weeks back! As you will probably remember, back in the fall when I tried this (again) I wasn't having any success. I was going to meetings at night, which I struggled with; I'd always gone in the mornings before. And maybe my head just wasn't in the right place then. But, I'm back now, and hopefully for the long haul. Because at this point in my life, it is about my health and my comfort and just feeling better about myself.
Also, a Ryan story to relate: For the past couple weeks I've been feeling frustrated with a couple things, one of them being the feeling that while I do a lot for other people (because I really, truly enjoy doing it!!), I don't always feel like it's reciprocated. Recognizing that I have no control over other people, and if I want to continue doing things for people who don't do things for me, it then becomes my issue (and FYI: I'm not referring to anyone reading this!).
So yesterday I was kind of mired in it and trying to figure out ways to go about minimizing my disappointment in others. And then the phone rang, and it was my son. He was calling to see if I wanted to go Moe's today for lunch (after WW, I usually treat myself to whatever I want for lunch as a "reward"). You should know that Ryan HATES this place; it's my favorite, and when I can convince him to go with me, he usually has gotten food from somewhere else and brings it in. I was so surprised that he was even mentioning it that I said "But you hate Moe's!" and he said "I know, but you love it.... and since I didn't get to come home this weekend I'd like to spend some time with you!"
I really almost started crying. It was such a little thing, but it meant so much to me.
And restored my faith in the idea that sooner or later, it comes back around.
Ahhh....much better
So, here I am on Blogger.... mostly because I wasn't feeling "free" enough to write what I wanted to on Xanga. I knew most of who my audience was, and sometimes it's just not smart to give away so much of yourself to people. Ammunition, if you will.
Anyway, there are often things I really want to talk about, so now I've created a place where I can do it.
Not that I have anything to say just yet. But I will.
So keep checking back.... this site will probably be a litte more bare-bones, as I am not quite familiar with how it all works. But I'm working on that, too.
As for the name.... CeCe is what my sister used to call me when she was little and couldn't pronouce my name. Needless to say, she's perfectly able to use my real name now, but often uses CeCe anyway. Thus, a username was born.
Anyway, there are often things I really want to talk about, so now I've created a place where I can do it.
Not that I have anything to say just yet. But I will.
So keep checking back.... this site will probably be a litte more bare-bones, as I am not quite familiar with how it all works. But I'm working on that, too.
As for the name.... CeCe is what my sister used to call me when she was little and couldn't pronouce my name. Needless to say, she's perfectly able to use my real name now, but often uses CeCe anyway. Thus, a username was born.
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