This morning, out of the blue, Ryan asked me if I'd miss my grandmother when she passes away. Let me first say that this woman is in perfect health. She celebrated her 85th birthday in February, and aside from some joint issues (knees, mostly) she is incredibly healthy; her mind is sharp as a tack. So it's not going to happen any time soon, which is what made the question even stranger -- it's not as though she's been sick.
A little background on my grandmother. I used to be the apple of her eye. I was her first grandchild, and I could do nothing wrong. Ever. Often to the exclusion and hurt feelings of my sister, who is two years younger. Of course, when I was young, I didn't "get" how horrible playing favorites was, especially since I was the favorite. How could that be wrong? Every year for my February school break, I would go to visit her in Florida. She lived at a Golf and Country Club called Innisbrook, which is known mostly for its golf courses, but to me was paradise for other reasons: I could do whatever I wanted there. I spent the day by the pool and the evening playing tennis with her (she had dreams of me being the next Chris Evert -- you know her grandmother taught her to play, don't you?!) If I wanted something to eat, I just signed her name at the restaurants. Life was good. Everyone knew me as her granddaughter, because her husband/my grandfather had been one of the men who founded and built Innisbrook back in the day.
So how ironic that it was at Innisbrook in April of 1987 that I realized I was (surprise!) pregnant. I was there with a friend from high school, and we were both on spring break from college in Boston. I was losing my mind. Scared to death, and couldn't tell anyone, certainly not my grandmother.
I'm going to skip over the drama and details of my pregnancy (it's a great story, but not one I'm ready to share just yet) -- except to say that when my mother (yes, my mother) told my grandmother that I was pregnant, her first response was "How could Tracy do this to me?!" So now you probably have an idea of what things are like with her. Oh, I should also mention that she is probably one of the most racist people I know -- I can't believe I'm related to her -- so the fact that I was pregnant by a (gasp!) black man was just a little more than she could handle.
Fast forward to February 1988. Ryan was 6 weeks old, and I was in Sarasota, Florida, visiting my stepmother so she could meet my new baby. I called my grandmother, who lived about an hour north of there to tell her that I was there and would love to come up and visit and introduce Ryan to her. Her response? "No!!! I'll meet you at a diner on Rte. 19 halfway between Tampa and Sarasota" (Think: dropping off ransom money in a place where no one would recognize you.) Suddenly I got it: she didn't want me and my mixed-race baby anywhere near her home; someone might see us.
So after 21 years of not doing anything wrong, all of a sudden, I had done everything wrong. In her eyes. And as Ryan turns 20 this December, I can tell you that I have been allowed back to her house exactly twice since the time I found out I was pregnant. Once was in 1997: my sister, cousin and I went down to surprise her for her 75th birthday. During that weekend, we went to see one of her friends, but my grandmother panicked that I would mention my (then 10-year-old) son to her friend during the visit, and so we literally "escaped" from her house when she went back to her bedroom to change clothes.
The second time was this past February when I was in Florida visiting my dad. My sister and I made a last-minute decision to drive up to take her to lunch. We were only there for about 4 hours total, but we drove around Innisbrook, and it was so much more emotional for me than I expected it to be. That place was like my second home and I was denied it for the last half of my life. And even worse: so was Ryan. He would have loved it down there, but he's never been allowed to go. My grandmother has only told one other person that I even have Ryan, and that's her best friend's daughter, who lives in Washington. There are no pictures of him in her house, and when she's asked how many great-grandchildren she has, she will wave her hand and say something vague like "Oh, I don't know... 6, 7... there are so many I can't keep count!"
When asked by my mother why she keeps it such a secret, the answer from my grandmother is "I don't want my friends to pity me." So sad. And it must be so stressful to carry that around for all these years and treat it like something so horrible it has to be hidden.
Of course, now it's too late. She can't all of a sudden say "Oh yeah! Tracy does have a son! He's 19...." I also often wonder what her friends think happened to me... they always knew I was the favorite, and I was there every single year, so I'm curious about what they've been told I've been doing after that last visit in 1987.
The funny thing is that Ryan has never asked about going down to visit her. He's never thought it strange that everyone else in the family goes down about once a year, except for us. Mind you, it's very rarely a fun visit for those who go, because she can be quite unpleasant. And when she's here to visit my mom, we are always cordial to her, and Ryan is always respectful. She always seems amazed that we all adore him like we do. She's even said to my mother in the past "So, you really love him, huh?"
Bizarre.
And of course, I was completely incapable of being able to continue my relationship with her over the years. We went from talking almost every day to talking on Christmas and her birthday. I couldn't pretend like her behavior was ok. Because it's not.
There's a lot more to it, but I don't want to go into all of it right now... ways that my other family members have tried to talk to her about it, etc. The bottom line is that she has denied my son's existence to her friends, and to some extent, even to herself.
So. When Ryan asks me if I'm going to miss her? I honestly was at a loss for an answer. He doesn't know any of this. I've kept it all from him because he doesn't need to know it. So when I was stumbling over an answer for him, I just decided on "Yes."
He doesn't need to know how much I will miss the grandmother I had for the first 19 years of my life, but how sorry I feel for the one I have now.
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4 comments:
That's just so wrong, Tracy, your grandma. I could mouth some platitude about how she's the one who's missing out, and that's true, but still, it has to hurt. However, because she's not my grandma, I'd like to go slap her in the mouth for how hatefully she's behaved for the last 20 years.
What Gwen said.
And I'd add that "now it's too late" is just not true. It might take more courage than she has to admit she lied to her friends, but it's certainly possible. She could absolutely do it if she wanted to.
So, my sister-in-law had a baby with a black man she wasn't married to while she was in college. I guess that was 17 years ago. She gave her up for adoption, and grandma Ruth and grandpa Joel have the girl's photo up with the others. My brother-in-law is adopted, and they were foster parents for dozens of kids over the years, so it may have been a slightly easier choice to go the adoption route. Not that I really know. The strange thing is that it was such a huge deal at the time, and all the relatives knew about it. But now, it's been a long time, and it's almost as though it didn't happen. When people referred to Jenna as their first grandchild, they didn't correct them. It's not as though it was a dark hidden secret, but more like an overlooked memory. I've always wondered how Becky felt about that.
Thanks guys... Gwen, I'd love to take you up on that. Problem is, she really has NO idea that what she's doing/has done is "wrong" -- she's completely oblivious about why our relationship has changed. This woman is a therapist's dream --there is so much going on inside her that it's impossible to even decide where to begin. First and foremost, though, is her denial ability. Following close behind, though is her desire for everyone to see things as "perfect" (she used to tell my mom and aunt and uncle "not to embarass us" -- meaning her and my grandfather -- back when they were younger). Image is everything. And the image she wants to portray is one that has no room for a bi-racial great-grandson. So, G4, you're right -- it COULD be done, but it never will -- not by her. She's nowhere near strong enough to a.) admit she's been lying and b.) admit what it was she's been lying about. I've pretty much let it go; it doesn't affect my day-to-day life. My son has an entire family that absolutely adores him. They more than make up for what she has done. And yes, it IS her loss. But that's just the tip of that particular iceberg!
I was going to say that this is so sad for you and Ryan but you know maybe Ryan is better off not having to deal with such prejudice on so many levels from someone who should adore him and is missing out.
I'm sorry that she's treated you this way.
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