I'm still not sure about the whole Blogger thing... I mean, other people's sites look so nice, but I don't know that I have the ability to make this site look good... The few times I've tried, I've gotten frustrated.
For instance... why does my picture look like I'm in a fun house?
So while Xanga may not look as good, it's much easier for me to negotiate.
Until I can get it together to migrate over to Blogger like everyone else, for now I'll be at www.xanga.com/tls1215.
First big project of 2008: Figure out Blogger. Actually, that's the second -- the first was the closet and that can be checked off!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Monday, June 4, 2007
Been a while....
Yes, it's been way too long since I wrote anything here... I guess that's a good thing, since this seems to be the place where I vent or put things that I don't really want everyone to know about.
So you can probably deduce that something has come up.... and you'd be correct.
This weekend I'm going to Chicago and then to Detroit/Toledo to visit with family. Ryan and I are driving to Toledo early Sunday morning to meet up with my father, my cousin and his kids to go to Detroit for a Mets/Tigers game.
When I told my dad about my plans, he mentioned that he had a party to go to that night, and was it ok that he wouldn't be around after the game. I told him it was fine, and then I emailed my aunt and cousin to see if they were interested in having dinner. My aunt suggested we all get together at her place for a barbeque, which sounded perfect. And I was really fine with my dad not being around; I love seeing my aunt and cousins, since it happens so rarely, and Ryan hadn't seen some of them in over 4 years.
Last night when I was talking to my dad about other things, he said that he wasn't going to the party after all. I told him he didn't have to do that for me, to which he replied that he hadn't done it for me (there go those warm fuzzies again!); there was a woman who'd be there that he'd been dating, but was trying to end things with and didn't want to deal with it. OK, cool. So I figured it would be a different tone, but still fun with all the family together.
Then this morning my aunt emailed me and said that last night my dad had called her and asked her to invite the woman he broke up with last summer after 15 years together. This might be a good place for a little background: my dad and this woman were together many many years ago, when he was still married to my mother. My parents divorced, he married someone else. Then, many years into that marriage, he hooked up with this woman again, thus causing the end of his second marriage. They then went on to be together from about 1990 until last summer. They lived together and were as good as married.
I was never a huge fan of hers. She was so different from my dad; she never really seemed like she was having any fun. Ever. Always a sourpuss look on her face. Rarely laughing, never joking around. And she and my dad did everything -- they traveled literally all over the world. To me (and my sister) it seemed like she was just there for the money. She likes to live well. They would buy a new house, she'd decorate it, then they'd move. It was a hobby of hers. She had everything she wanted. She didn't work because she hurt her back doing Pilates many years ago. So she shopped. The amount of money that was spent on her was mind-boggling. I always figured it was a good trade-off: he got to do whatever he wanted and she wouldn't complain, and she got to buy whatever she wanted and he paid the bills. Great deal if you can get it.
We always got along, but she was never someone I'd go out of my way to spend time with. Plus, none of us kids ever got the impression that she liked us. We were never mean or rude, just cordial.
When my dad told me last summer that they had broken up, I was shocked. Shocked. But also happy. He said she was having a hard time with it, but he seemed ok with it. He bought her a house and pays her a lot of money each month so she can maintain her lifestyle. Just without him. She started dating someone else almost immediately, and pretty much so did he, but they kept in touch. Lately it seems that they were distancing themselves from each other more, but I never understood it when he'd say that they still talked a lot and she helped him with things like laundry and fixing things.
My uncle (his brother) was in NYC a few weeks ago, and Ryan and I had lunch with him. It came up in the conversation, and he said that he'd told my dad he always thought she was a golddigger.... Ryan jumped on the chance to voice his opinion and said "We thought that too!!!" I shushed him, but it was already out there. My uncle laughed and said he didn't think anyone would be shocked by that.
Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since they broke up, though she did send a lovely plant to my sister and brother-in-law after his brother passed away several weeks ago. She was always thoughtful with things like that.
So..... when my aunt told me that my dad wanted to invite her to the family dinner, I was first surprised, and then pissed. I was so looking forward to the first family gathering in many years where she wouldn't be there. She walks into a room and everyone just falls quiet; it was uncomfortable having her around when they were together, so I can't even imagine what it will be like now that they aren't. And WHY? I hope he doesn't think that Ryan and I want to see her! My aunt asked me if I was ok with it, and I told her it wouldn't be my first choice, but I certainly couldn't overrule what my dad had requested. Especially since he left this morning for a week of fishing in Canada, and is unreachable until Sunday morning when I get to his house.
I also have a problem with the fact that I just spoke with him last night and he never mentioned it to me. I think it's disrespectful for him to not tell me, especially when this whole dinner was planned because I was going to be alone that night, and my family wanted us to get together! Now it's turned into the "are they getting back together or not?" dinner instead. Not to mention that I think it's thoughtless for him to expect that just because he's ok with being with her, we all are supposed to be cool with it, too.
I don't know... am I crazy? Why can't men be alone for more than a day?! He's been telling us how great it is that he's "on his own" but the reality is that he's been dating ever since he broke up with her, and as soon as he decides he's done with the one at the party, the next call is to line this one up. I don't get it. And it frustrates me.
Argh.
So you can probably deduce that something has come up.... and you'd be correct.
This weekend I'm going to Chicago and then to Detroit/Toledo to visit with family. Ryan and I are driving to Toledo early Sunday morning to meet up with my father, my cousin and his kids to go to Detroit for a Mets/Tigers game.
When I told my dad about my plans, he mentioned that he had a party to go to that night, and was it ok that he wouldn't be around after the game. I told him it was fine, and then I emailed my aunt and cousin to see if they were interested in having dinner. My aunt suggested we all get together at her place for a barbeque, which sounded perfect. And I was really fine with my dad not being around; I love seeing my aunt and cousins, since it happens so rarely, and Ryan hadn't seen some of them in over 4 years.
Last night when I was talking to my dad about other things, he said that he wasn't going to the party after all. I told him he didn't have to do that for me, to which he replied that he hadn't done it for me (there go those warm fuzzies again!); there was a woman who'd be there that he'd been dating, but was trying to end things with and didn't want to deal with it. OK, cool. So I figured it would be a different tone, but still fun with all the family together.
Then this morning my aunt emailed me and said that last night my dad had called her and asked her to invite the woman he broke up with last summer after 15 years together. This might be a good place for a little background: my dad and this woman were together many many years ago, when he was still married to my mother. My parents divorced, he married someone else. Then, many years into that marriage, he hooked up with this woman again, thus causing the end of his second marriage. They then went on to be together from about 1990 until last summer. They lived together and were as good as married.
I was never a huge fan of hers. She was so different from my dad; she never really seemed like she was having any fun. Ever. Always a sourpuss look on her face. Rarely laughing, never joking around. And she and my dad did everything -- they traveled literally all over the world. To me (and my sister) it seemed like she was just there for the money. She likes to live well. They would buy a new house, she'd decorate it, then they'd move. It was a hobby of hers. She had everything she wanted. She didn't work because she hurt her back doing Pilates many years ago. So she shopped. The amount of money that was spent on her was mind-boggling. I always figured it was a good trade-off: he got to do whatever he wanted and she wouldn't complain, and she got to buy whatever she wanted and he paid the bills. Great deal if you can get it.
We always got along, but she was never someone I'd go out of my way to spend time with. Plus, none of us kids ever got the impression that she liked us. We were never mean or rude, just cordial.
When my dad told me last summer that they had broken up, I was shocked. Shocked. But also happy. He said she was having a hard time with it, but he seemed ok with it. He bought her a house and pays her a lot of money each month so she can maintain her lifestyle. Just without him. She started dating someone else almost immediately, and pretty much so did he, but they kept in touch. Lately it seems that they were distancing themselves from each other more, but I never understood it when he'd say that they still talked a lot and she helped him with things like laundry and fixing things.
My uncle (his brother) was in NYC a few weeks ago, and Ryan and I had lunch with him. It came up in the conversation, and he said that he'd told my dad he always thought she was a golddigger.... Ryan jumped on the chance to voice his opinion and said "We thought that too!!!" I shushed him, but it was already out there. My uncle laughed and said he didn't think anyone would be shocked by that.
Anyway, I haven't spoken with her since they broke up, though she did send a lovely plant to my sister and brother-in-law after his brother passed away several weeks ago. She was always thoughtful with things like that.
So..... when my aunt told me that my dad wanted to invite her to the family dinner, I was first surprised, and then pissed. I was so looking forward to the first family gathering in many years where she wouldn't be there. She walks into a room and everyone just falls quiet; it was uncomfortable having her around when they were together, so I can't even imagine what it will be like now that they aren't. And WHY? I hope he doesn't think that Ryan and I want to see her! My aunt asked me if I was ok with it, and I told her it wouldn't be my first choice, but I certainly couldn't overrule what my dad had requested. Especially since he left this morning for a week of fishing in Canada, and is unreachable until Sunday morning when I get to his house.
I also have a problem with the fact that I just spoke with him last night and he never mentioned it to me. I think it's disrespectful for him to not tell me, especially when this whole dinner was planned because I was going to be alone that night, and my family wanted us to get together! Now it's turned into the "are they getting back together or not?" dinner instead. Not to mention that I think it's thoughtless for him to expect that just because he's ok with being with her, we all are supposed to be cool with it, too.
I don't know... am I crazy? Why can't men be alone for more than a day?! He's been telling us how great it is that he's "on his own" but the reality is that he's been dating ever since he broke up with her, and as soon as he decides he's done with the one at the party, the next call is to line this one up. I don't get it. And it frustrates me.
Argh.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Ouch
While I pretty much knew that it was going to be an adjustment having Ryan home, and I had an idea that we'd argue and whatnot in the beginning, I was completely unprepared for how vicious he could be.
After taking a vacation day today to take care of things for him (making sure I had all the proper paperwork for his road test on Monday, mailing back his XBox because it was broken, buying him a new dresser for his bedroom, packing up the rest of his dorm room, etc.), I took him and his best friend Billy out to dinner at Applebee's. He had to go there anyway to discuss when he could return to work for the summer. My friend Shpresa also met us there and I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing dinner after a very long day.
Yeah, well. It was clear that the tension was right at the surface, and all Ryan needed was an opening to let loose. I just didn't expect him to do it in front of other people like he did.
Shpresa is my friend who helped me organize my 40th birthday party back in December. She said she had run across the phone number of our contact person, and I laughed and told her that I still had the number in my phone, too, as I was saving it for Ryan's 21st birthday (in December 2008) So then I said to Ryan, "Hey, maybe we should have your party on New Year's Eve that year [his bday is Dec. 30] since you'll be old enough to drink." To which he responds "Cool! Can Tiffany sleep over that night?" Ummmm... really? So I said something like "You're really asking me about that a year and a half away?" (Meaning: who knows if you'll even be together then, and if you are, aren't sleeping arrangements something we can discuss as it gets closer?)
He then launches into a tirade of how I hate every girl he's with because she's not me. How I can't stand anyone he dates because I only want him for myself, how much Tiffany's family loves him, etc. It was so hateful and so hurtful, and it would have been less damaging if he had just slapped me. There's no need to defend myself because I adore both his current girlfriend and his prior girlfriend. In fact, I had just spoken with my father a few hours earlier and was bragging to him about what a great relationship Ryan and Tiffany had and how good I think they are for each other.
Needless to say, the rest of the meal was extremely tense. I couldn't pay the bill fast enough, and Ryan and his friend ended up walking home. We haven't spoken since, and honestly, this is not something that can be fixed with an apology. He really went for the jugular with this one.
My problem is that I had just bought him and his roommate for next year tickets for the Nets-Cavaliers playoff game on Saturday night. And now I have absolutely no desire to take them. I feel bad that Sean will miss out, but I'm going to end up selling them.
Not that I'm sure it even matters, because he will probably be working that night. I had asked him repeatedly to please tell them he could start working on Monday the 14th because we had the tickets for the game on Saturday, and then for Sunday -- Mother's Day -- I told him all I wanted was to go to the Mets game that day. So, after he spoke with them tonight at Applebee's he came back to the table and said he's working on Saturday and Sunday. I was in shock. The only thing I asked him for was to be free on Mother's Day to go to the game, but apparently that's a busy day and the tips are good, so.... here we are.
And to think that just 8 months ago I was devastated by him leaving... ha!
After taking a vacation day today to take care of things for him (making sure I had all the proper paperwork for his road test on Monday, mailing back his XBox because it was broken, buying him a new dresser for his bedroom, packing up the rest of his dorm room, etc.), I took him and his best friend Billy out to dinner at Applebee's. He had to go there anyway to discuss when he could return to work for the summer. My friend Shpresa also met us there and I was looking forward to a nice, relaxing dinner after a very long day.
Yeah, well. It was clear that the tension was right at the surface, and all Ryan needed was an opening to let loose. I just didn't expect him to do it in front of other people like he did.
Shpresa is my friend who helped me organize my 40th birthday party back in December. She said she had run across the phone number of our contact person, and I laughed and told her that I still had the number in my phone, too, as I was saving it for Ryan's 21st birthday (in December 2008) So then I said to Ryan, "Hey, maybe we should have your party on New Year's Eve that year [his bday is Dec. 30] since you'll be old enough to drink." To which he responds "Cool! Can Tiffany sleep over that night?" Ummmm... really? So I said something like "You're really asking me about that a year and a half away?" (Meaning: who knows if you'll even be together then, and if you are, aren't sleeping arrangements something we can discuss as it gets closer?)
He then launches into a tirade of how I hate every girl he's with because she's not me. How I can't stand anyone he dates because I only want him for myself, how much Tiffany's family loves him, etc. It was so hateful and so hurtful, and it would have been less damaging if he had just slapped me. There's no need to defend myself because I adore both his current girlfriend and his prior girlfriend. In fact, I had just spoken with my father a few hours earlier and was bragging to him about what a great relationship Ryan and Tiffany had and how good I think they are for each other.
Needless to say, the rest of the meal was extremely tense. I couldn't pay the bill fast enough, and Ryan and his friend ended up walking home. We haven't spoken since, and honestly, this is not something that can be fixed with an apology. He really went for the jugular with this one.
My problem is that I had just bought him and his roommate for next year tickets for the Nets-Cavaliers playoff game on Saturday night. And now I have absolutely no desire to take them. I feel bad that Sean will miss out, but I'm going to end up selling them.
Not that I'm sure it even matters, because he will probably be working that night. I had asked him repeatedly to please tell them he could start working on Monday the 14th because we had the tickets for the game on Saturday, and then for Sunday -- Mother's Day -- I told him all I wanted was to go to the Mets game that day. So, after he spoke with them tonight at Applebee's he came back to the table and said he's working on Saturday and Sunday. I was in shock. The only thing I asked him for was to be free on Mother's Day to go to the game, but apparently that's a busy day and the tips are good, so.... here we are.
And to think that just 8 months ago I was devastated by him leaving... ha!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Brotherly Love
Not really sure how to begin this post.
Everything sounds so trite.
The reality is that last Tuesday my brother-in-law, Tom, lost his younger brother in an unexpected and tragic way. The aftermath of this has been beyond anything I've experienced, as I've seen my sister, brother-in-law, and his older brother try to make sense of it all. In my never-ending quest to make things right for everyone I care for, this has thrown me for a loop. So instead, I'm learning to just be there. And listen.
At the memorial service on Friday, Tom and his brother Rob gave beautiful eulogies. Tom gave me permission to write about this experience as a way to honor Chris. Because it's not my story to tell, and his eulogy was so moving and beautiful, I decided to post that instead:
FOR CHRISTOPHER MATTHEW....
A brother is someone you take for granted. After all, they've always been there. Through the vicissitudes and drama which was our lives, Christopher was always there when I needed him most.
Today I'm seeing pictures of him as he was in his youth - an innocent time before all that has come to pass.
I will find life without him lonelier. He has though left lots of memories, memories of our childhood and of growing up together.
I fondly recall the games we played, the places we went and the secrets we shared.
I have memories of playing football and going to parties together.Together, we contemplated the future, and the favor and chance of life.
In sunnier times, we were each other's keeper.
As a man, Christopher was noble, brave and above all, forgiving. His life became the tumult of a disease which took away all that he ever hoped for.
A brave soul, he raged back against the storm, often alone and without true bearing.
He sometimes found refuge on the shores of salvation and the glimmer of light though the clouds of despair.
Clutching the rocks with all that he had, the undertow was often too strong to counter.
Galant was his struggle to reclaim the erosion ----- but often only to find he remained adrift.
In the final moments, the disease made the years to come seem waste of breath.
That was not Christopher.
I admire his courage and resolve, and only hope that I can forge ahead with such fortitude.
None of this shall ever be in vain ----- nothing good and true ever really dies.
In the days ahead and from a divine place, he will always be his brother's keeper.
In my sadness though, there is consolation in the thought that so many other people cared for him, too. That's the kind of thing that makes life worthwhile, the warm, shining light of love and friendship --- even in the darkest of moments.
For us, he'll come alive through the passage of conversation, the words of a song or a visit to a familar place.
He is really not gone as long as we remember him.
In the promise of an eternal place, we will see you on the other side.You have now crossed over into sanctity of Heaven - Put out your hand and be led by the Lord into that place where the sun always shines.
The restlessness of this life is over for you now, Chris. Live eternally in the peace of the Lord and know that many are the lives you touched when you were with us.
-Thomas Hennessy 2007
Rest in the peace you've been searching for, Chris.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Reunion Anxiety
As we are getting closer and closer to the end of the school year, I'm stressing more and more about how Ryan and I are going to get along when he comes back home for the summer.
How ironic that last summer I was having panic attacks wondering how I was going to live without him and now I'm trying to talk myself off the ledge over living with him.
I adore my son. Absolutely, positively adore.
However, there's no denying that there has been a major shift in our relationship this past year. And while I recognize that this is perfectly normal, and is an important step in the process of him growing up and building his life on his own, it's still hard to grasp. And accept.
Such a strange thing, this whole notion of letting go. And this letting go is different from the letting go that I was doing last fall. When he actually left for school, it was more of the physical separation that was upsetting to me (though not for nearly as long as I expected it to be!) But what I'm experiencing now is all the rest: the emotional.
He will have his license soon, and that will take away his dependence on me to take him places. I guess I'm also realizing that his dependence on me is quite minimal these days. Of course, he still needs me financially (though I do love the summer when he has a job!) and I'm sure deep down he needs me to some extent emotionally. But it's just.... different.
He's not my "little boy" anymore. He's very much in love with his new girlfriend and they do everything together. His last relationship was with someone who lived in NJ and didn't have a car, so they were quite limited in the time they were together. Now he's built a whole separate life with this young woman, and I'm getting glimpses of what it will be like when he gets married. The good news is that I really like her a lot, and I think they are really good together. She's very low maintenance, and they give each other the space they each need. But when they are together, they have a lot of fun; I enjoy being around them.
Though there's definitely a shift. Ryan and I have always had a good time together; we make each other laugh, and for the most part really get along great. But I can see that things are different, even when we are together for just a short time.
Today we all went to the Mets game, and we had a fun time (even though they lost) but there was a theme that Ryan and I kept arguing about: he remembers so many things from his childhood, and I just don't remember everything he does. He gets so angry at me for not remembering, and (jokingly) tells me what a horrible mother I am. But really.... I just can't store all the info in my head that he has! I can't even count the number of times today he started a sentence with "Mom, do you remember....." and then he'd really get mad when I said no. Finally I just started telling him I remembered, even when I didn't, but he knew I was lying, so really it was a no-win for me.
In my defense, Ryan doesn't forget a-ny-th-ing. Also in my defense, I have 21 more years of things in my head than he does. I'm sorry I can't remember which team you played in Little League where you hit two home runs. And I'm also sorry that I had run to the car to get a blanket because it was 30 degrees when you hit your first home run. And no, I don't remember your "geeky friend Glen" who lived in those apartments over off the service road, as much as you describe him. And if we did run into him years later, I'm sure I didn't remember him then, either.
What I do remember? When you were about 5 years old and we were walking down the sidewalk and you reached up, grabbed my hand and, out of the blue, said "You're doin' good, Mom."
I wonder if he remembers that.
It's something I'll need to remind myself of often between May 8 and Labor Day weekend....
How ironic that last summer I was having panic attacks wondering how I was going to live without him and now I'm trying to talk myself off the ledge over living with him.
I adore my son. Absolutely, positively adore.
However, there's no denying that there has been a major shift in our relationship this past year. And while I recognize that this is perfectly normal, and is an important step in the process of him growing up and building his life on his own, it's still hard to grasp. And accept.
Such a strange thing, this whole notion of letting go. And this letting go is different from the letting go that I was doing last fall. When he actually left for school, it was more of the physical separation that was upsetting to me (though not for nearly as long as I expected it to be!) But what I'm experiencing now is all the rest: the emotional.
He will have his license soon, and that will take away his dependence on me to take him places. I guess I'm also realizing that his dependence on me is quite minimal these days. Of course, he still needs me financially (though I do love the summer when he has a job!) and I'm sure deep down he needs me to some extent emotionally. But it's just.... different.
He's not my "little boy" anymore. He's very much in love with his new girlfriend and they do everything together. His last relationship was with someone who lived in NJ and didn't have a car, so they were quite limited in the time they were together. Now he's built a whole separate life with this young woman, and I'm getting glimpses of what it will be like when he gets married. The good news is that I really like her a lot, and I think they are really good together. She's very low maintenance, and they give each other the space they each need. But when they are together, they have a lot of fun; I enjoy being around them.
Though there's definitely a shift. Ryan and I have always had a good time together; we make each other laugh, and for the most part really get along great. But I can see that things are different, even when we are together for just a short time.
Today we all went to the Mets game, and we had a fun time (even though they lost) but there was a theme that Ryan and I kept arguing about: he remembers so many things from his childhood, and I just don't remember everything he does. He gets so angry at me for not remembering, and (jokingly) tells me what a horrible mother I am. But really.... I just can't store all the info in my head that he has! I can't even count the number of times today he started a sentence with "Mom, do you remember....." and then he'd really get mad when I said no. Finally I just started telling him I remembered, even when I didn't, but he knew I was lying, so really it was a no-win for me.
In my defense, Ryan doesn't forget a-ny-th-ing. Also in my defense, I have 21 more years of things in my head than he does. I'm sorry I can't remember which team you played in Little League where you hit two home runs. And I'm also sorry that I had run to the car to get a blanket because it was 30 degrees when you hit your first home run. And no, I don't remember your "geeky friend Glen" who lived in those apartments over off the service road, as much as you describe him. And if we did run into him years later, I'm sure I didn't remember him then, either.
What I do remember? When you were about 5 years old and we were walking down the sidewalk and you reached up, grabbed my hand and, out of the blue, said "You're doin' good, Mom."
I wonder if he remembers that.
It's something I'll need to remind myself of often between May 8 and Labor Day weekend....
Thursday, April 19, 2007
ForJustiveness
Forgiveness vs. Justice
I'll take C.) None of the Above.
Seriously, I wish there was a happy medium. They both sound so.... so.... final. I'm not really into finality.
The only way that I can approach this subject is to apply the notion of each to individual situations. For instance, we had two in the news recently. One where forgiveness would have been perfectly appropriate, but instead "justice" (to some) was carried out... And the other where justice -- had he not taken the cowardly approach and offed himself -- most certainly would have been called for.
Forgiveness has always been a problem for me. "Power" is something I've strived for in almost all of my relationships; the two don't exactly co-exist.
Probably the most high-profile example of this in my life is my dealing with my son's father. And I use that term very loosely. Sperm donor is probably more accurate. He's never done anything for us. Ever. Back when Ryan was a baby and I was still living in my "this will all work out and we'll be a happy family" bubble, I forgave way too much. I've never received a dime of child support. My son is 19. The father was/is a not good person. Abusive. Neglectful. Bad. Ryan missed out on having a father, and I struggled for years when I shouldn't have had to. Can I/should I forgive him for all the things he did/didn't to and for me?
People always say that not forgiving someone is more damaging for [you] than for the person needing the forgiveness. And ultimately, that probably is true. However, because I've always considered the act of forgiveness with handing over power, it's extremely hard for me. Does Ryan's father care if I "forgive" him? Nope. After all these years does it make me crazy? Nope. Hardly even think about it. But if someone asked me if I had forgiven him, the answer would be no.
Also, I don't feel like I need to actively impart any sort of "justice" on him. I believe that missing out on having a relationship with a son as wonderful and amazing as mine (not "ours"; "mine") is justice enough. This also holds true for my grandmother who refuses to acknowledge my son's existence because he is half-black. Their loss, and thus justice is served.
The "finality" part. Once you have forgiven someone, you're done. In theory. But are you? How do you ensure that the feelings of anger, disappointment, etc. don't come bubbling back up? It's such a struggle to maintain aforementioned forgiveness, because as humans, it's so hard to forget. Yes, I recognize that one of the things we hear is "I forgive, but I'll never forget." Is that forgiveness?
Someone else talked about how it's easy for her to forgive. If I was being honest, I would probably say that I find it easy as well (contrary to how this post has gone up to now). But my forgiveness is selective. In my past it's been used most often as it relates to men. Waaaaaaay too forgiving (think: doormat) and it's unfortunate that that has molded much of my outlook on forgiveness as a whole.
Of course, as far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm also quick to forgive. Would they agree with that? I'm not sure. It might seem that I choose both: first a l'il bit of justice, then the forgiveness. Can I do that? Is that greedy?
I suppose that as long as I have "forgiveness" inextricably linked with "giving up power" I will have a tough time.
Because on my list of things I can't give up? Power over myself (and others if they will let me) is way up top.
But. Do I want to be forgiven? Of course. I provide plenty of opportunities for others to make this choice. Plenty. But I also realize that I need to take accountability for my actions. Maybe sometimes justice is required.
So perhaps instead I will say C.) All of the Above.
Julie.... thanks so much for the idea for this discussion. It's been a great opportunity to use my otherwise mushy brain, both writing mine and reading others.
I'll take C.) None of the Above.
Seriously, I wish there was a happy medium. They both sound so.... so.... final. I'm not really into finality.
The only way that I can approach this subject is to apply the notion of each to individual situations. For instance, we had two in the news recently. One where forgiveness would have been perfectly appropriate, but instead "justice" (to some) was carried out... And the other where justice -- had he not taken the cowardly approach and offed himself -- most certainly would have been called for.
Forgiveness has always been a problem for me. "Power" is something I've strived for in almost all of my relationships; the two don't exactly co-exist.
Probably the most high-profile example of this in my life is my dealing with my son's father. And I use that term very loosely. Sperm donor is probably more accurate. He's never done anything for us. Ever. Back when Ryan was a baby and I was still living in my "this will all work out and we'll be a happy family" bubble, I forgave way too much. I've never received a dime of child support. My son is 19. The father was/is a not good person. Abusive. Neglectful. Bad. Ryan missed out on having a father, and I struggled for years when I shouldn't have had to. Can I/should I forgive him for all the things he did/didn't to and for me?
People always say that not forgiving someone is more damaging for [you] than for the person needing the forgiveness. And ultimately, that probably is true. However, because I've always considered the act of forgiveness with handing over power, it's extremely hard for me. Does Ryan's father care if I "forgive" him? Nope. After all these years does it make me crazy? Nope. Hardly even think about it. But if someone asked me if I had forgiven him, the answer would be no.
Also, I don't feel like I need to actively impart any sort of "justice" on him. I believe that missing out on having a relationship with a son as wonderful and amazing as mine (not "ours"; "mine") is justice enough. This also holds true for my grandmother who refuses to acknowledge my son's existence because he is half-black. Their loss, and thus justice is served.
The "finality" part. Once you have forgiven someone, you're done. In theory. But are you? How do you ensure that the feelings of anger, disappointment, etc. don't come bubbling back up? It's such a struggle to maintain aforementioned forgiveness, because as humans, it's so hard to forget. Yes, I recognize that one of the things we hear is "I forgive, but I'll never forget." Is that forgiveness?
Someone else talked about how it's easy for her to forgive. If I was being honest, I would probably say that I find it easy as well (contrary to how this post has gone up to now). But my forgiveness is selective. In my past it's been used most often as it relates to men. Waaaaaaay too forgiving (think: doormat) and it's unfortunate that that has molded much of my outlook on forgiveness as a whole.
Of course, as far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm also quick to forgive. Would they agree with that? I'm not sure. It might seem that I choose both: first a l'il bit of justice, then the forgiveness. Can I do that? Is that greedy?
I suppose that as long as I have "forgiveness" inextricably linked with "giving up power" I will have a tough time.
Because on my list of things I can't give up? Power over myself (and others if they will let me) is way up top.
But. Do I want to be forgiven? Of course. I provide plenty of opportunities for others to make this choice. Plenty. But I also realize that I need to take accountability for my actions. Maybe sometimes justice is required.
So perhaps instead I will say C.) All of the Above.
Julie.... thanks so much for the idea for this discussion. It's been a great opportunity to use my otherwise mushy brain, both writing mine and reading others.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Beyond sad
I didn't go in to work today.... just felt blah, had a headache, and really needed a day to pull it together.
That said, I was able to watch the unbelievably horrific events at Virginia Tech unfold. It started when I first went online this morning and I saw that "one person" had been shot there. Awful enough.
Then, a couple hours later when I turned on tv, I saw that there were actually 21 dead, 22 if you count the shooter... WHAT?! That's quite a difference.... and unbelievably horrible. I wore myself out watching all the updates, and it was draining watching that one cell-phone video where you could hear the shots. So I took a nap.
When I woke up? Thirty-three dead in total. OMG. Unfathomable. I can't even begin to imagine what parents of students at that school are going through.
Of course, there's all kinds of hindsight going on now. My first thought was "if the first person was killed at 7:15am, why in the world didn't they lock that campus down?!" Made no sense. And then when I later heard that of a school with 26,000 students and only 8,000 live on campus, it should have been a no-brainer to block off the entrances for the commuter students and tell them to go home.
Later on, during the press conference, I actually felt sorry for the president (of the school) and the police chief, who had to dodge questions like that. Questions that make so much sense now that we are looking back on it. I recognize it's a huge undertaking to manage students and faculty of that magnitude. But really... a shooter who got away? And you're "told" he left the campus? That's enough?
I know it's pointless to lay blame now.... and I'm not there, so I clearly don't know the whole story. It's just so damn sad. And so senseless.
That said, I was able to watch the unbelievably horrific events at Virginia Tech unfold. It started when I first went online this morning and I saw that "one person" had been shot there. Awful enough.
Then, a couple hours later when I turned on tv, I saw that there were actually 21 dead, 22 if you count the shooter... WHAT?! That's quite a difference.... and unbelievably horrible. I wore myself out watching all the updates, and it was draining watching that one cell-phone video where you could hear the shots. So I took a nap.
When I woke up? Thirty-three dead in total. OMG. Unfathomable. I can't even begin to imagine what parents of students at that school are going through.
Of course, there's all kinds of hindsight going on now. My first thought was "if the first person was killed at 7:15am, why in the world didn't they lock that campus down?!" Made no sense. And then when I later heard that of a school with 26,000 students and only 8,000 live on campus, it should have been a no-brainer to block off the entrances for the commuter students and tell them to go home.
Later on, during the press conference, I actually felt sorry for the president (of the school) and the police chief, who had to dodge questions like that. Questions that make so much sense now that we are looking back on it. I recognize it's a huge undertaking to manage students and faculty of that magnitude. But really... a shooter who got away? And you're "told" he left the campus? That's enough?
I know it's pointless to lay blame now.... and I'm not there, so I clearly don't know the whole story. It's just so damn sad. And so senseless.
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